"A guy know's he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days."
-Tim Allen
"A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished."
-Zsa Zsa Gabor
"I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places."
-Henny Youngman
"You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish."
-Jerry Seinfeld
"A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it."
-Bob Hope
"I don't consider myself bald. I'm simply taller than my hair."
-Thom Sharp
"This is a strange country we live in. When it comes to electing a president, we get two choices. But when we have to select a Miss America, we get 50."
-Jay Leno
"I figure you have the same chance of winning lottery whether you play or not."
-Fran Lebowitz
"Give a man a fish and he has food for a day; teach him how to fish and you can get rid of him for the entire weekend."
-Zenna Schaffer
"It's not that I'm afraid to die; I just don't want to be there when it happens."
-Woddy Allen
"I have my standards. They may be low, but I have them."
-Bette Midler
"I've been on a calendar, but I've never been on time."
-Marilyn Monroe
"If God meant us to be naked, he would have made our skin fit better."
-Maureen Murphy
"It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it."
-Sam Levenson
"If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?"
-Vince Lombardi
